I was not

my soul cries for expression
but there’s none to know
my heart is full of the sorrow
of love
romance and light
yearning dark

all my days I’ve striven for naught
unknowing
what I was, I wasn’t

I yearned for life I could not have
and thought it mine
though I was where I should have been
and who I was and am
I was not available in this grasping for
things naught
and missed things that were

now in my time of dying I look back
and weep
there were those that knew me
and loved
and I knew them not
for I could not see
blind to me

 

 

Written by Scott Schoffstall
© December 16, 2011
all rights reserved
Poetic Sojourn

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Idiot Prayer

For so long I’ve waited 
you don’t arrive 
I languish abated
am I dead or alive?

I cry for you
but you don’t hear
or do you?
it’s the latter I fear

you told me I’m loved
you told me turn. come
I tried to turn
all suddenly turns mum

you say I won’t be alone
that I have now a home
I hoped in what you say
again and again 
you push me away 

so it’s seek and you will find
for you would meet me there
since you love me unconfined
I found silence in that air

you hold me in error
to turn from license 
but mature no repair
I devote in the silence

you say no more is given than borne
that to know you is gain
I feel slight and forlorn
you try me in pain

I watch others alive
live their ways from what’s shown
I see them take and thrive
misunderstood, I weep alone

you tell me I’m yours
that you have me for always
you keep me kept
in this limbic malaise

I long to see fruition
an account in trust 
you hold me to volition
perpetual prisoner of readjust

you’d have me know the unknown
to know it is real
whilst I linger alone
to assume not what I feel

still I wait with nothing 
and so may not revive
In despair I may go
and then never derive

You tell me it’s over
but you don’t let it end
but if I will, it never will
your love forever impend

 

 

Written by Scott Schoffstall
© April 18, 2011
all rights reserved
Poetic Sojourn


Blank

shot from a beginning
that never
ends

headlong
tumult
vacuous blow
unrealized
bygone

seems while the world
moved
I stood in place
and just changed location

 

 

Written by Scott Schoffstall
© July 08, 2011
all rights reserved
Poetic Sojourn


Soul Solitaire

my mind is a fog
a mysterious bog
stumbles through mire
sunk in desire

I have an intruder
a deceitful suitor
who wakes where I sleep
in a game played for keeps

a soul solitaire weeps

 

 

Written by Scott Schoffstall
© May 22, 2011
all rights reserved
Poetic Sojourn


The Boy Who Fell Down a Hole

once there was a boy who fell down a hole.
some say he might have had a little help there
but some say he was playing too close to the edge.
no one really knows.

it was a profound nullity
and soon he found the limit of the void was wholly
beyond his reach.

it was dark and lonely and over time he noticed
no one was looking for him. if this went on it could
be a long time until he was found or could figure a
way out.

he became hungry but had to subsist off what he found
in there. over time he learned to survive.
he even learned to be somewhat comfortable.
he got used to it.
acclimated to every day being just like every other.
used to living off the same sustenance, the same routine.
he was a survivor and since there was no alternative,
he was forced to be one.

his eyes adjusted to the dark

his ears adjusted to the silence

his mind found things that it could occupy itself with.

the trouble with that is,
if left to having to take all the burden of stimulus,
the mind often goes wondering into places not quite so pretty
but it does it just to keep itself stimulated and working.
if it didn’t, then the truly dark would almost automatically
take it away from him.
then he wouldn’t be him but he felt,
who was he anyway?

once he had a world to play in. now it was just him.
so he had to become everyone he needed.
was he him anymore?
some of those he was becoming weren’t what he was
but he was them now.
what was he going to do with them now that they want
what’s his or was his?
he found that even this could be adjusted to.
so this too became him.

the days weren’t days anymore.
the nights weren’t nights.
everything was slowly becoming
the same
except him
he was becoming all there was.
there was no interaction to learn.

he longed to go back up to the world but he wondered
what would he do there now?
would it be the same?
would they like him now?
what would he say?
he noticed he didn’t know what to say.
all of his conversations have been silent.
could he have lost his voice?
there wasn’t any real way to know for sure.
his ears could be lying to him if he shouted.
making him feel better by fooling him that he still sounded the same.

also, since every day and night is the same except for what his
mind imagined, he didn’t have any topics or experiences to
talk to anyone about.
they surely wouldn’t understand any of the imaginings of his mind.
nor could he even explain most of them.
He certainly couldn’t explain what they did for him or how they made
him feel or carried him through these days and nights.
he was starting to become used to this though.
he had his ways and they were settled into their routines.
their ways.
he felt comfortable.
it was now home.

what would he do now if someone came down?
yet he wanted them so badly to come down.
this didn’t make any sense to him.
he was afraid of them and
he wanted them.

then one day he noticed a noise!
he listened carefully.
what or who is it?
could it really be a noise?
it almost sounded strange.
it was strange!
it was unrecognizable.
he strained to listen.

he thought it could be voices but didn’t really know what they sounded like.
it’s been so long.
there was something that appeared like it could be light
or something up there.
who or what could it be?
then it passed and it grew silent again.
he was sad.
but it was then that he noticed something new.
he was kinda happy it was gone!

he noticed he was kinda scared of it.
while it was here he didn’t realize it.
he did know at the time, he was really nervous.
very uncomfortable.
he now knew he was frightened of it.

later he heard another and this was louder
there was something up there!
he noticed the dirt falling and heard it from above
he heard what sounded sorta like shoe leather scuffling over dirt and stone.
anyway, that’s what he imagined this scuffling would sound like.
rocks came down that were loosed.
his ears had become so used to the silence from his days in the hole
that, although he couldn’t really see them,
he heard them fall all around him
and he could actually hear them clearly as they whistled through the air.
He could even tell where they were coming from
so he could avoid them but he had to be quick.

he realized someone was coming down!
he was frightened and shouted “go away!” “go away!”
he heard it more clearly now although
he couldn’t see a thing but it sounded closer and closer
he thought maybe he could frighten it away
if he threw the rocks up at it.
so he began hurling as big rocks he could find up at the noise.
this didn’t stop it and really only caused the rocks to fall back down at him.
he tried to avoid them but sometimes they would hit him and hurt him.
the noise continued its scuffling down.

he yelled and tried to sound angry and really he was
because this noise was making him very uncomfortable and scaring him.
he shouted “go away or I’ll hurt you bad!”
he wasn’t sure what he could do to hurt whatever it was
but he was trying to get it to go away and leave him alone.
it didn’t work and it kept coming down.

so he picked up the rocks, even though some he threw had fallen back
down to hurt him badly and didn’t do anything to stop
this thing from coming down. he didn’t know what else to do
and he MUST do something or he will not get it to go away.
he started to throw the rocks again.
and again they fell back down at him.
again and again.

he became determined that this intruder had to be stopped
and he was very frightened of what it would do.
his mind began to tell him of all the scary things it had been imagining.
he became so frightened he started to cry and shout again and again.
“go away you evil thing! I hate you! I hate you!
You’re going to hurt me and I don’t like you!”

then he found a really big rock and with all his might he hurled it up.
this time he heard a thud
then silence.
he listened very carefully.
for a while there was nothing.
then all of a sudden he heard it again.
the scuffling.
the dirt started falling again around him but he noticed it started to sound
quieter and quieter.

“IT WAS GOING AWAY!”

it worked! it was leaving!

he felt happy for just a second.
then he realized what he had done.
then the dark was suddenly so much darker.
he couldn’t see anything before but now it seemed it crept inside him
and a cold lonely ice slid its chilling fingers around his little heart
and started to constrict tightly.

he realized he chased it away.
what he longed for he chased away!
he was frightened, he told himself. he knew why he did it but that
was no comfort to him now.
what was he going to do?
the sound was getting very quite now.
he could barely hear it.

instinctively, he began to shout at it.
“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt you!
I’m sorry! I was scared. I won’t do it again. I want to be with you!
Please come back!”
he shouted over and over.

finally it was completely quiet again and the only thing he could hear
was his barely beating heart trying to beat through the icy fingers
that gripped so tightly now.

he realized it was gone and it was never going to come back now.
he tried to console himself with the reasons why he did it.
he knew why.
he was scared.
he was used to being there all alone.
“I guess”, he said, “I started to think this was the way
it was supposed to be. this was what I wanted”.
none of his reasoning helped.

he fell down and wept uncontrollably and he cried out to God
but all he heard was his own sobs.
no one would ever want him now.
surely they would tell everyone to stay away now or they will be hurt.
no one would come now.

after a long while, he was back to his thoughts again.
his routine was secure once again.
unalterable.
never changing.
predictable
safe and secure.

alone.

slowly,
he forgot about the strange scuffling and the falling dirt.
it was almost like it was never there.
all a bad dream.
he was safe now.

as he began to relax his ever wondering mind went back to his companions.
those dark things that had kept him company all this time.
all this time his mind never stopped. being down in that dark place
for so long, it adjusted to feel safe with the dark things.
after all, they were the ones that had been faithful to him all this time.
they were the ones that never ever deserted him and were always there
even though everyone else had left him for dead.
forgotten.
he was back among them now and they were there for him.
as they always had been.
they were his friends and gave him something to hold onto.
he needed someone.
something.
he couldn’t just be all alone.
always, forever more with

nothing.

ever.

but then suddenly he heard a noise!
it sounded so strange he couldn’t tell what it was.
he listened very carefully.
he tried to make out what it was.
it was a strange noise
he wasn’t sure if he had ever heard such a thing as this before.
it sounded something,
like….
he wasn’t sure.
he became scared.
his mind told him scary things were going to happen.
he strained to hear.
it seemed like it was starting to get louder
like it was coming down
closer!

he heard something like shoes scuffling over dirt and stone.
anyway, that’s what he imagined this scuffling would sound like.
dirt and loose rocks began falling all around him!
he began sweating and his heart began beating quickly.
straining hard against that icy grip
that had always threatened to make it stop beating but somehow
he was always able to keep it warm inside but now it strained to beat
hard against those icy fingers.

the noise got closer and more dirt and rocks
were falling all around him now
his mind told him that he had to do something fast or it was going
to get him and hurt him really bad!
his thoughts were racing out of control and he was frightened
and couldn’t think clearly.

a big rock fell close by in the darkness.
suddenly, frightened for his safety
he reached and picked it up,
stretched back his arm to hurl it….

 

 

Written by Scott Schoffstall
© February 20, 2011
all rights reserved
Poetic Sojourn

*You may wish to first read “Hole” as a companion piece to this.


The Faux

the faux
you know, you don’t know
a social networking bro
on for the show
his presence bestows
when things are a bit slow
comes and then goes

I found it’s also tha gals
who wanna be pals
who’s rationale
you keep up their morale
you’re a happy hour locale

and that’s how

we know
the faux

it sounds like the enemy
just spelled differently
it may as well be
because if you’re one, you’re history

 

 

Written by Scott Schoffstall
© March 05, 2011
all rights reserved
Poetic Sojourn


Get Down from on High pt. 2

you want me to shut up don’t you?
I’m here to tell you
you don’t run this race

I’m sorry.
I know you won’t believe that it’s true
and for you it must seem
we’ve forgotten our place

you realize we’re not entirely unaware?
so until further notice
I’ll keep my big mouth moving that air

feel that breeze on your neck do you?
maybe you’d be better off
back on that mount with the view

why should you care about it?
don’t tell me you do?
I didn’t know the world beyond the end
of your nose existed to you

well this is astonishing and quite the news
for us that will be difficult to disabuse
but now that we see that it’s the case
maybe you’d condescend
to join the human race
and allow us to make our way
stumble and fall
because we don’t always know
and often drop the ball

there’s something you may have heard of you know
it’s life
and during it we’re required to grow

so from time to time
you might give us some slack
and let out the line
and we’ll get realed
back

because if you ever expect
to find
anyone perfect
I think it’s entirely premature
we’re not all quite pure
yet to be sure

so you’ll have to go right on settling for less
because we stupid peon humans
are still quite a mess

 

 

Written by Scott Schoffstall
©  February 18, 2011
all rights reserved
Poetic Sojourn